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salil31
Students
 
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Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2012 7:28 am
 

Essay Evaluation-1 please

by salil31 Wed May 16, 2012 5:02 am

Claim: Even though young people often receive the advice to “follow your dreams,” more emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals.

Reason: Many people’s dreams are inherently selfish.


The aphorism "follow your dreams" contain an inherent characteristic of selfishness. I agree with the claim and the reason that followed, and in some situations it is valid. However, when one says that many people's dreams are selfish, one is not emphasizing the worthiness of the dreams. Dreams pertaining to individual's betterment can also benefit society. In the following paragraphs, I'll present my case accordingly.

I remember a book, written by Haruki Murakami and titled as "Kafka on the shore," where the author concisely aver that in dreams begin responsibility. Poring over this statement, I came to realize that dreams are a reflection of our own understanding of ambiance which surrounds us intellectually as well as physically. When I look at the peolpe who really followed their dreams, and they worked and turned their dreams into useful goals nurturing future aspects as well as generations. For instance, Indian industrialist Dhirubhai Ambani started his textile business puerly being selfish in nature: his sole aim was to make profit. Things changed when he sought public money for the expansion of the business and opened IPO. The influx of people's money made him realize the importance of his dream, and he understood he saw a dream for all the people of India, let alone for himself. Now, Reliance Industries is ranked as top player in Indian Market, touching every sphere of India across all range of businesses.

Secondly, I wish to discuss the common scenario where people don't realize the importance of their dreams and can not make it worthwhile. Let's take the case of Sachin Tendulkar, an Indian cricket player, who dreamt to play for his country. He did not wish to endorse or be a youth icon, and on the top of that his only goal was to make runs and help his team to win the match. When he began his journey at the age of 16, he saw himself as a lad full of promise. Even after playing for 22 years and still going on, he said in one interview his goal had been changed. Now he takes responsibility to represent India at a world level so that he can make his fellow countrymen and nation proud.

Thirdly, as they say there are three stages of nurturing a child. The first process starts in schools, followed in college, and then taking up a career. For instance, let's say parents chose the schools and college for a boy. When it comes to decide what he should do. He confronted to decision making, including all the aspects from family pressure, peer pressure,a nd his own desires. If he chooses to work for state-owned company, rather he would have wanted to study and go for PhD, he is in a right place to contribute to the country and his family thinks he is earning good money. On the other hand, this guy, though not able to concentrate on this work much, doing his job hopelessly. The repurcussions would be immense, not to mention stress and health related issues.

In conclusion, I would say dreams can also frustrate you if you are not determined to pull out PhD or make a succeeful career. But you can also put yourself in peril by doing otherwise. So, one should consider making choices based on conscience, not just blindly follow dreams. As they say, in dreams begin responsibility.
tommywallach
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Re: Essay Evaluation-1 please

by tommywallach Fri Aug 17, 2012 9:00 am

Hey Salil,

Some good ideas in here, but also some problem. The foremost problem, unfortunately, is one of syntax and grammar. Numerous sentences in here are incomplete, use words incorrectly, or feature grammatical structures that are illogical and difficult to understand. I believe you will need to work with a tutor of some kind on your English in order to improve quickly, if you're planning to take the test soon.

Here's a breakdown of the third paragraph, so you can see what I mean:

Sentence 1: Thirdly, as they say there are three stages of nurturing a child.

Problems: As who say? I've never heard of that before, and you shouldn't say "as they say" unless people really say it. And you mean "raising a child." Nurturing has a different meaning. This is also an incomplete sentence as written, because of the "as." It would be like saying "As the stock market has begun to rise." See how that isn't complete?

Sentence 2: The first process starts in schools, followed in college, and then taking up a career.

Problems: Is it a process or a stage? The words have very different meanings. And what about childhood with parents? Aren't schools and college similar? And what does a career have to do with nurturing a child?

Sentence 3: For instance, let's say parents chose the schools and college for a boy.

Problems: Is this an instance of the previous sentence? I don't think so.

Sentence 4: When it comes to decide what he should do.

Problems: This is an incomplete sentence.

Sentence 5: He confronted to decision making, including all the aspects from family pressure, peer pressure,a nd his own desires.

Problems: That is not what "confront" means, and you don't use the preposition "to" with "confront." Also, you can't say "aspects from" something, but "aspects of." There's also a spelling error later in the sentence.

Sentence 6: If he chooses to work for state-owned company, rather he would have wanted to study and go for PhD, he is in a right place to contribute to the country and his family thinks he is earning good money.

Problems: Should be "A state-owned company." After the comma, the structure totally breaks down. Honestly, I don't know what this sentence means.

Sentence 7: On the other hand, this guy, though not able to concentrate on this work much, doing his job hopelessly.

Problems: Another incomplete sentence. You say "though not able to concentrate," which sets up another clause that never comes.

Sentence 8: The repurcussions would be immense, not to mention stress and health related issues.

Problems: Non-parallel structure. Stress and health-related issues ARE repercussions, so they can't fit outside of that as a separate, "not to menion" kind of point.

Finally, you seem to lose track of your thesis. You end here: "So, one should consider making choices based on conscience, not just blindly follow dreams. As they say, in dreams begin responsibility." But all your examples show that people who follow their dreams end up being responsible in the end. So this is the opposite of what you've been arguing the whole time.

Hope all of this makes sense. Please feel free to ask any follow-up questions you happen to have.

Thanks!

-t