Feedback on essay please

[janeyy.m]

Claim: Even though young people often receive the advice to “follow your dreams,” more emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals.

Reason: Many people’s dreams are inherently selfish.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim AND the reason on which that claim is based.
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Though in many cases, young people do need guidance to pick worthy goals rather than chase after unrealistic dreams, it cannot be concluded that many people's dreams are inherently selfish and thus the claim is not fully agreeable.

To recognize some truth in the claim, it is part of reality that many are driven by selfish, monetary gains. Many young people decide to become engineers and doctors with the reason that it will be easy to find jobs or it will make them wealthy. Many entrepreneurs set the goal of rising to the top, and will often use even mendacious means to rise above others. If every person was encouraged to follow such selfish dreams, the society would always be corrupted.

However, the given reason that people's dreams are inherently selfish does not always hold true. Of the young students aspiring to become enginners and doctors may be those who truly desire to use their knowledge and skills to help others and improve the society. Some pre-med students have dream to some day live as a medical missionary in third-world countries regardless of making no money or living comfortably.

The claim is also subjective. What are "worthy goals"? In Asian cultures, it may be goals that satisfy one's parents and honor the family name. In Western cultures, it may be goals that define one as an independent individual. Though some young people may lack mature judgment and desire to follow unrealistic dreams based on a sense of euphoria, many young people have a clear vision for their future to chase their dreams which indeed are "worthy goals" for them.

The conclusion that that people's dreams are all inherently selfish and thus more emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals is based on unwarranted, subjective assumptions. Although some young people who only seek to chase after unrealistic, grand dreams need to be guided to pick worthy goals, I believe that for others, dreams can indeed be worthy goals, in which case they need to be encouraged to not stop following their dreams.

[tommywallach]

Hey Janey,

Really solid essay here. I'd probably score it around a 5. Your ideas make a lot of sense, and they are, overall well-expressed.

I'd recommend you try and make your paragraphs a little longer, if you can help it. A one sentence introduction isn't terrible or anything, but it always helps to have a little bit more meat there.

Also, I wouldn't start out by agreeing with the prompt, only to disagree with it. Start out by disagreeing with the claim, then with the reason. if you then want to discuss how their might be SOME truth to it, save that for last. It undermines your argument to start out with a paragraph that actually goes against your main thesis.

Otherwise, great work!

-t