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nruthya.rajagopal
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Issue essay

by nruthya.rajagopal Mon Nov 19, 2012 9:59 am

Claim: Even though young people often receive the advice to “follow your dreams,” more emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals.


Reason: Many people’s dreams are inherently selfish.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim AND the reason on which that claim is based.

Please rate my essay.


Follow your dreams is an inspirational quote to urge youngsters to follow their goals,passion.These dreams are usually about having a successful career, lifestyle,becoming like role models.Though it may appear selfish it is personal
goals, passion, concerns,hobbies.These goals are worthy enough from individual perspective.Picking worthy goals such as community development,bringing in changes in society like to fight for a cause ,demands courage,involves hardship, lot of risks.

Follow your dreams will motivate yougsters to do hardwork, overcome their barriers, difficulties on the way to fullfill their dreams.There will be many lessons learnt on their way to achieve those dreams.For example, sincerity, focus,patience,persistent,
since nothing comes easy in this world.If the dreams come true that would be the culmination of their pursuits.They will be repleted with joy, happiness,positive energy.

There are personalities in history where in people have picked worthy goals and been succesful.Famous personality like B.R ambedkar who was indian jurist campaigned against social discrmination, caste system.Coming from a poor family , being treated as untouchables,his father encouraged him to study well and work hard. At school,he was not assisted by teacher, not allowed to sit with other students . Inspite of all this adversities, he managed to become a jurist and uplifted untouchable to educate them.This takes lot of responsibility,courage,risk, painstaking effort to achieve such goals.Majority youngsters are not ready to take such risk, responsibilities,lack courage to do it.

Contrast to the above claim,there are many hapless youngsters who cannot follow thier dreams.Consider families stricken by problems of poverty, deceased family members, poor economic conditions. In such hostile conditions where it is very difficult to even attain the basic necessities of food,cloth, housing "follow your dreams" would be distant.From a common man perspective he will only advice his kids/youngster in the family to study well, take up job to improve their economic conditions.In such families , youngster have no choices other than to suppress their dreams, desire, passion.
tommywallach
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:18 am
 

Re: Issue essay

by tommywallach Tue Nov 20, 2012 6:08 pm

Hey Nruthya,

Sorry, but this essay has a lot of very serious problems that you'll need to address to score well on essays.

1) The writing itself: Your essays continue to be full of numerous grammatical errors, enough that it does compromise the meaning.

For example: "Though it may appear selfish it is personal
goals, passion, concerns,hobbies."

First of all, what is the "it" that may appear selfish? If you're talking about dreams, that would be THEY, which is plural. It's unclear what you mean here when you say "it." And how does that contrast with "personal goals, passion, concerns, hobbies." You use the word "though," as if to imply that it is NOT selfish, but aren't the things you describe selfish. Also, put spaces after your commas.

Another example: "Follow your dreams will motivate yougsters [sic] to do hardwork [sic], overcome their barriers, difficulties on the way to fulfill their dreams."

Here, it is not "follow your dreams" that motivates. People have to be motivated IN ORDER to follow their dreams, so this makes no sense. Also, how does following dreams lead to overcoming barriers exactly? Also, you can't just list things with a comma unless there are more than two of them. If you only have two items, you say "barriers and difficulties." And it would be "on the way to FULFILLING their dreams." Also, a couple words here are misspelled.

I could give many more examples of this; most sentences have some kind of grammatical error.

2) The argument itself. Nowhere do I see you TAKING a side. You have to say VERY clearly in the first paragraph either a) "I agree that emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals, not simply following dreams" or b) I disagree, and believe that telling kids to follow their dreams is just fine. If you don't say one or the other, it's impossible to know what you're arguing for.

3) Losing track of your argument: Your last paragraph talks about people who can't follow their dreams. This doesn't have to do with the topic. The question is whether people should be told to follow their dreams, or to focus on something less selfish. The fact that many people can't follow their dreams doesn't really relate (it could, but you don't make the case here).

4) You need a conclusion, or everything ends too abruptly.

Sorry to list it all out like this, but I want you to do well, and you'll need to address all of these issues in order to do so. Good luck!

-t
nruthya.rajagopal
Students
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2011 4:17 pm
 

Re: Issue essay

by nruthya.rajagopal Wed Nov 21, 2012 3:29 am

no worries i am not good at writing essay, its ok if u have pointed out the mistakes.I will be sharing my essay kindly guide me.Poor at grammar, not confident about it?suggestions?


thanks
Nruthya
tommywallach
Manhattan Prep Staff
 
Posts: 1917
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:18 am
 

Re: Issue essay

by tommywallach Fri Nov 23, 2012 2:29 pm

Hey Nruthya,

The truth is you need to be taking English classes. These are not small issues that can be conquered easily, by consulting a grammar book or two. You need to be working on your English for a couple of hours a day, taking on specific assignments, with someone who is reading over your writing and regularly making comments and suggestions.

Good luck!

-t